Embracing the Infinite: A Journey Through High Indifference and Psilocybin

High Indifference, a concept articulated by philosopher and mystic Franklin Merrell-Wolff, refers to a state of transcendence in which one experiences pure awareness, completely detached from personal emotions, desires, or dualistic tendencies. This state is not about apathy or insensitivity; rather, it is an encompassing acceptance that embraces existence without preference, judgment, or suffering. In High Indifference, everything is perceived as inherently neutral, existing without the attachments and meanings our minds typically impose. I encountered this profound state as part of an FDA-approved psilocybin study—one of the highest doses ever administered in such trials. Through this experience, my understanding of suffering, meaning, and enlightenment was irreversibly altered.

As I approached my third psilocybin session, I felt a sense of optimism. Having already confronted intense darkness, unearthed repressed emotions, and encountered the depths of my psyche, I believed I was ready to transcend into realms of light and unity. I expected this experience to bring about what many describe as a “white light” moment—a journey into the divine where unity consciousness and the love of the universe would embrace me. But instead of white light and bliss, I received a harrowing plunge into the heart of human suffering and, eventually, an indescribable state of High Indifference.

The session began with a dose of 59 mg of psilocybin, the highest dose administered in a published FDA study, equivalent to roughly ten grams of dried mushrooms. Within moments, I was engulfed by the infinite abyss of human suffering. This experience was not personal; I was witnessing and feeling the suffering of all humanity, as if every moment of grief, terror, and loss experienced by anyone, anywhere, was pouring through me. It was as if I had become a conduit, not for my own pain, but for the collective agony of every soul that had ever lived. There was no ramp-up, no gentle entry—just an immediate and all-consuming experience of torment, as if a fire hydrant of human suffering had burst open within me.

During this experience, I questioned why I was bearing such an immense burden, feeling as though I was screaming out a continuous wail of agony. But even as I recognized that “this is not mine,” the intensity did not relent. Eventually, I moved through this collective suffering, only to encounter my own cycle of personal suffering. I felt myself dying again and again, each death leaving me parched, exhausted, and defeated. Each death felt like a shedding of my ego, of who I thought I was. This cycle continued until I reached a point where one of my guides, Karen, whispered, “Go deeper.” These words gave me the strength to persist, and with a deep breath, I leaned further into the experience.

Then, at last, I reached a place beyond suffering—a still, silent realm devoid of meaning or attachment, a state of High Indifference. In this realm, I became the “boneman,” an image of pure presence without personal identity. I was seated in an infinite gray expanse, a barren, timeless landscape where nothing mattered, and yet everything was as it should be. This state was not characterized by unity or bliss; it was beyond such concepts. There was no judgment, no emotional attachment, no compassion, no suffering—only a high indifference, an ultimate authority over all things, yet one that cared for none of them. In this place, I experienced pure awareness without awareness, consciousness without consciousness. I was simply there, existing in a stateless state beyond the typical human experience of meaning.

Merrell-Wolff describes High Indifference as a transcendence above all levels of consciousness, a perspective that sees beyond the opposites of pain and pleasure, desire and aversion. This state does not deny suffering or joy; it simply observes without engagement. In this realm, the horrors of human existence, the ecstasies, and the experiences of ordinary life are viewed with a detached clarity. It is not that these experiences lose their reality, but rather that the perspective from which they are viewed changes drastically. From this vantage point, suffering and joy are both expressions of existence, with no inherent value assigned to either.

For many, the idea of a state beyond suffering and joy may seem cold or unfeeling, even nihilistic. But this state of High Indifference brings with it a profound liberation. It allows us to exist within the full tapestry of life—pain, pleasure, and everything in between—without clinging to or avoiding any of it. In my experience, this state did not strip me of compassion or appreciation for life; rather, it allowed me to appreciate life’s nuances from a higher perspective. Every experience was simply another thread in the intricate weave of existence, neither more nor less valuable than any other.

After experiencing High Indifference, I came to realize that much of our suffering stems from the stories we create. Our minds assign meaning to events, attaching stories that are based on past experiences, fears, and desires. These stories become the lens through which we perceive our lives, trapping us in cycles of attachment, aversion, and endless searching. High Indifference cuts through this web of stories, revealing a reality that exists free of mental constructs and emotional entanglements. In this space, we see that suffering is born not from events themselves, but from the meanings we impose upon them.

To be clear, High Indifference is not about rejecting life’s emotions or ceasing to feel. It is about experiencing emotions without letting them define us or bind us. It is the ability to observe grief, anger, joy, and love without clinging to them, recognizing that they are fleeting manifestations of consciousness. This realization allows us to live fully in each moment, embracing the full range of human experience without suffering over its impermanence.

When I returned to ordinary consciousness from my journey with psilocybin, I felt light, pure, as if I had been stripped of all density. The profound state I experienced as boneman—this High Indifference—left me with a deeper appreciation for life’s fleeting beauty. I no longer saw life’s hardships as something to escape, nor its pleasures as something to grasp. Every experience, every moment, simply “was,” unfolding in a perfect, neutral flow.

Through the lens of High Indifference, I found a paradoxical realization: that nothing means anything, and yet everything means something. Without attachment, life becomes a series of moments, each perfect in its impermanence. Freed from the mind’s need to assign meaning, we find that each experience is both a part of us and a transient echo in the vastness of existence.

In the end, the search for enlightenment reveals a simple, compassionate truth: we are already whole, and always have been. The struggles, the yearning, the joys, and the hardships—each is a path leading us back to this core realization. High Indifference teaches us to see life not as a riddle to solve but as a gift to behold with open eyes and an open heart. From this place, we’re invited to embrace all of life, including ourselves, with boundless compassion and gentle acceptance. It’s here that we find the wisdom to love each moment and recognize that we are always enough, just as we are. In this profound acceptance, we see that the journey has never been about finding something outside ourselves but about rediscovering the sacred wholeness we carry within.

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© 2024 Steve Elfrink. All rights reserved.

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